The Artemis Fowl Files
How's your father doing? Last time we've heard he was ill and in the hospital. How's your mother coping wih it?
Anonymous

My father is doing much better. My mother is still worried, but her natural state seems to be one of caution and anxiety.

Sincerely,

Artemis, some people, I noticed, actually have taken into their minds that you're... gay. (I was trying to look for a better term but I couldn't think of any other better term.) Is there anything you would like to say about this?

It’s an interesting theory.

Sincerely,

Are you still attending Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen? If so, how do you like it?
Anonymous

Bartleby’s is adequate as far as conventional schooling goes. I would rather have the freedom to create my own course of study, but my parents do insist upon as much normality in my life as possible.

It is utterly tiresome at times.

Sincerely,

So here's where the infamous Mud Boy ended up, playing dwarf-and-rabbit with so many inferior Mud Men. It's almost pitiable; for all your spying on me with those infuriating rocks, which I cleverly had destroyed utterly, you'll fall short of my genius simply by being out of practice. How can you possibly hope to stop me now, Fowl?
Anonymous

I never hope.

Hope is for children.

I create my own destiny.

Sincerely,

Artemis, I'm sorry, but what in the world in wrong with you right now? /Holly is in a coma!/ She almost /died/!

My wandering the halls of the Manor weeping would hardly be useful. The fact that she almost died, while distressing, is also encouraging. Almost. Clearly the warlocks have been able to stabilize her for the time being.

At the moment Jon Spiro is a much larger immediate concern.

My mind is best employed searching for solutions rather than bemoaning the past.

Sincerely,

Artemis! Are you even aware that you have been MIA for over a week and that half the Lower Elements (well, okay, Foaly and Trouble) are frantically trying to locate/contact you? Holly is in a coma due to her magical contact with that amethyst, the amethyst that is in your possession. They nearly lost her. We were starting to worry that something had happened to you too.

Funnily enough, I have received no direct messages from anyone in the Lower Elements. They know well enough how to reach me (if anything, the ‘ask’ button is plainly displayed), so their attempts must not have been too frantic.

I’ve been a bit preoccupied with a certain American businessman.

Sincerely,

Dear Artemis, who started the short-lived relationship between you and Minerva? (In other terms, who asked out who?)

I believe, like our relationship’s end, it was a rather mutual decision. 

If I remember correctly, it was approached much like an experiment in social interaction.

Sincerely,

Dear Artemis, Your biographer has stated that he could see that you and Juliet can have a romantic future together, is there truth to that basis? Would you give it a chance?
Anonymous

Mr. Colfer has an overly active imagination, especially as regards the romantic. In general, he tends to over-exaggerate every emotion that strikes me.

As for Juliet, I have always considered her a sisterly figure if, indeed, I considered her at all. Though, with my experience with time travel, I am hardly one to make game of predicting the future.

Sincerely,

 

Who do you see yourself being romantically involved with in the future: Holly, Minerva, Juliet- or possibly another someone you have yet to meet. Some people even say you may swing for D. Butler.
Anonymous

Ha.

Impertinent. 

Sincerely,

Artemis, I noticed a post about bullying a while back and it pleased me to see that you are strongly against it. Today I saw the movie Bully, and though I'm an easy crier, this made me cry more than most sad movies, most likely due to the fact that this all was really happening. It was just odd to recognize myself in these children. Anyway, here is my question. Would you ever consider seeing the movie? Or joining stand for the silent, a group made by a father in the movie after his son died?
Anonymous

I would be opening to seeing the film. I generally only watch documentaries and very limited historical fiction. As a parenthetical, it might surprise many of you to find that I have a general dislike of science fiction and fantasy films.

I don’t tend to join organizations. Perhaps that sounds callous, but there are far more valuable uses of my time. 

Sincerely,

What subject are you studying right now? :)
Anonymous

At the moment I am much taken up with theoretical physics.

Sincerely,

What do you plan on doing for Mother's Day tomorrow?
Anonymous

Mother’s day ended up being wholly unremarkable. Father absolutely insisted upon breakfast in bed (a ritual in which I refused to participate, but let the twins massacre to their hearts’ content). 

In the afternoon we took the Cessna to Florence and had dinner in a little trattoria that, I admit, was quite lovely. Italian is not one of my favourite cuisines, but this was very good. 

Sincerely,

Which of Vivaldi's Four Seasons do you like best?

Easily Winter. I loathe Spring.

Sincerely,

Have you ever let an artist do a self portrait of you? It's kind of a dying art, the full body paintings you have to sit for. What about your parents? I ask because I myself am an artist and I always loved paintings like those. I'm trying to get good at painting. Still kind of young though...

I have been compelled to sit for various portraits. My mother is the main proponent behind these little sessions. There is one of me and my parents, one of just them, one of just me, and one of the entire family.

Sincerely,

Dear Artemis, do you still have strong feelings for Minerva Paradizo? My friend "ships" you and her but rumor has it she broke up with you for a downhill skier (am I right?). I would really like to know if this is true or false. Thank you very much. x

I do not have strong romantic feelings for Minerva. To be quite honest, I am not entirely sure that my feelings toward her could have have been characterized as strong. I still have feelings of friendship and respect for her, but nothing more.

Yes- she did decide to break off our short-lived relationship for a downhill skier. Interestingly enough, she decided to do so at the Nobel Prize Ceremony. I still maintain it was a decision made in a jealous rage. No matter.

Sincerely,